Date or Job? Let’s Play a Game
I have a venn diagram in my head right now. One circle has “my single & dating friends” and the overlapping circle has “my unemployed friends,” and that part in the middle where the two come together, it’s not huge—just a small sliver actually.
But, oh. my. gosh. In my conversations with both groups, I’m often not sure if the person I’m talking to is in “my single friends” circle or in “my unemployed friends” circle because the stories sound similar and they’re starting to blend together. Let me be clear: In no way am I comparing the plight of being unemployed to that of being single and dating. Clearly, my employed single friends are capable and secure and can survive on their own. Surviving without a job and therefore without INCOME is a much bigger challenge.
But the state of today’s job market and “online dating market,” if you will, are so similar that I often find myself wondering, “Wait, did she just get dumped or laid off? Because according to the details, it could be either . . .”
If you don’t believe me, let’s play a game: I’ll call it #DateOrJob. These are all real-life stories with some messages that have been paraphrased and some copied over verbatim—but in all of them, the essence has remained intact. Now you tell me: “job market” or “dating market.” (Names changed to protect the innocent. And the guilty.)
Scenario #1
From everything that Jane could see online, she had found her perfect match—and as luck would have it, the two of them had several mutual friends and connections. So, before shooting her shot, Jane contacted the three mutual friends she knew best, and said, “Hey, I’m gonna message John—looks like you know him?! Could you put in a good word for me, please? I feel like a little ‘social proof’ never hurts, you know?”
Friend 1: “Absolutely! You guys would totally be a great fit.”
Friend 2: “Sure, anything in particular you want me to say?”
Friend 3: “That’s kinda weird, Jane, but I guess? I feel like it won’t matter, though. You should just send a message.”
So, Jane gave it a few days, then put her best foot forward in the most engaging message she could craft, closed her eyes, and hit send.
Crickets. A week, 10 days, then two weeks goes by . . . still crickets.
Finally John replied. “Hey, thanks for the message! Sounds like we have a lot in common, we should TOTALLY chat!” Relieved and excited, Jane anxiously replied that day, “So glad to hear from you! Yes, we should.”
Then crickets again. And forever and ever, amen. Jane never heard from John again. Why’d he even reach out? Did her friends ever say anything to him? What made him wanna connect, but then ghost?
Jane would never know. About any of it. She’d be left with more questions than answers as she deleted his message and sunk deeply into her pint of Ben & Jerry’s. What the actual F.
#DateOrJob?
Scenario #2
Jack and Jill connected online, and things progressed to the point where it was time to meet IRL (or at least on-screen—they lived 20 miles from each other). When the day of their face-to-face arrived, Jill got up, did her hair and makeup (something the pandemic/remote work made us realize we no longer need to do on the daily), put on anything-other-than-a-hoodie, and excitedly joined her date.
“Hi, so nice to officially meet you!” she smiled.
“You, too!” Jack said. “But I wanna be completely upfront: I only have 20 minutes right now—my schedule is slammed. And I AM talking to other people . . . I’m not in any position to get serious quickly. Are you okay with that? Dude, there are soooo many people on the apps right now! So many options . . . and I really want to take my time to find the right fit. In fact, it may take 3 or 4 conversations before I even think it’s time for us to make that step to meet in person. I guess what I’m saying is that I’m being super picky because, well, I can afford to be. Capiche?”
Jill was a bit stunned, but had invested enough in her connection with Jack that she didn’t shut it down. “Right, I understand,” she stammered. Then she got up a little gumption. “No, me too—I’m totally talking to others, too.” They spent the next 20 minutes going over much of what they’d already talked about via emails and messages, and really never discovered anything new, until Jack said, “Gotta run! Got a meeting in 5 minutes, I’ll be in touch.” He never was.
But Jill didn’t mind, because Jack had made her feel like one in a million—in the wrong way.
#DateOrJob?
Scenario #3
“So, can I ask: Why’d you even contact me?”
Daisy sat stunned. “What do you mean? I was interested.” This was their first face-to-face after exchanging a few messages.
Donald chuckled. “Really? Because from what I can see in your profile, you’re, shall I say, ‘out of my league.’ It just seems odd that you’d be interested.”
That’s how their initial conversation started, and Daisy was baffled and perplexed. Even if that’s true, wouldn’t you be flattered rather than, I don’t know, ANNOYED?!
“Donald, truly—I’m interested! Do you think I’m just looking for clout or money? I’m looking for something that’s fulfilling.”
“Huh. Weird. Well, I probably can’t offer what you’re looking for, but it’s worth a conversation, I guess,” he said. “Tell ya what—let’s chat a bit, and then if you’re still interested, we can see where we go from here.”
Daisy was getting more and more turned off by the nano-second (“I guess some things look better on paper?”), but maybe Donald was just uncomfortable with that first meet-up. So, she reassured him again of her interest, and they spent the next 30 minutes getting to know one another till she had to hop. “I’ll be in touch,” he said.
And he was. The next day, she got a message: “Hey, great to chat, loved getting to know more about you. I was surprised at first, but maybe we’re a good fit? How about this for a next step: If you could do this thing, that thing, and this other thing for me, then I guess I’d know that you’re really into me—like, it’d show me that you’re really serious. Preferably by Tuesday. (It was Monday.)”
Daisy sat for a moment. Wait, what? First he’s like “nah, you can’t be into me,” and then he’s like, “maybe you are into me!” and now he’s like, “if you’re into me, prove it.” This had red-hot-toxic-relationship flags all over it, and Daisy had to finally admit that this was not the beginning of a healthy partnership. She sent Donald a final message. If it walks like a duck and quacks like a duck . . . well, you know.
#DateOrJob?
Scenario #4
What the hell is wrong with me? Rachel had been feeling frustrated with her lack of connections and somewhat isolated in her search, so she’d recently decided to become more proactive.
More initiating messages. More sliding into DMs. More customizing initial messages to call out specifics, to signal that she had, indeed, read every word.
But the silence was deafening, and it started to eat away at her confidence and self-esteem. Finally, someone reached out to her.
“Hey, Rachel! I’m Ross. I saw your profile, I loved it—you’re just what I’m looking for! Can we talk?”
Shut the ever-loving front door, someone initiated a conversation with me!? She messaged back within seconds (but waited 10 minutes to hit send, so as not to appear over-eager): “Of course, I’d love to! When are you free? Let me know.”
Thus began Ross and Rachel’s beautiful love story . . . that was sure to end in a happily ever after. Right? Right?
They talked. It went swimmingly.
They messaged—both on the same page the whole time.
They made plans to pursue things further. It finally, for the first time in a long time, looked promising, and Rachel started telling her friends about Ross and all the potential they had.
This budding relationship lasted four weeks, five weeks . . . it kept progressing . . . the six-week mark came, and Rachel was sure that Ross was ready to make a commitment—all signs had pointed to this. Then she got this message:
“Rach, I really enjoy you! You’re awesome—so talented, we connect on so many things . . . but I just can’t right now, because I’m sorry to say that I’m moving forward with someone else. I know this is hard to hear, but I want you to know how tough this decision was and how great you truly are. I can’t even tell you why it wasn’t you—it’s just not. It was time for me to make a decision—shit or get off the pot, I guess, is what they say, haha. But I’d love to get in touch with you if this doesn’t work out!”
Rachel’s eyes welled up with tears and realized that Ross would, in fact, not be there for her. And the worst part was he gave no reason why. Wait—no, that was the second worst part. The worst worst part was that he would “reach out if his first choice didn’t work.” Sloppy seconds. That’s what this promising relationship turned her into: tear-stained, heartbroken, devastated sloppy seconds.
I could keep going, but if you’ve made it this far, thank you—and you deserve the answer key. Ready? If you enjoyed this drop me a comment—I may just start a #JobOrDate series. (And if you’re weathering either or both of these unnerving markets, thought & prayers and all the good juju I can muster is being sent from me to you.)
